Crossfit Chronicles

   So here I am in the second week of my Crossfit beginners class.  I am a beginner in every way when it comes to working out, but if you have ever been in a Crossfit class or seen pics and/or prideful posts on social media then you must understand I am a beginner in all sorts of ways starting Crossfit classes.  

My desire here is not to brag (beginning has a way of humbling you), but to observe myself not only physically through the class but also socially and mentally.  Mostly socially because I can already tell you I don't like Crossfit people.  I may not have a great reason for that last statement but I am entitled to my opinion from my personal experience thus far.  However for the time being I have become one of those "Crossfit people" so I continue...

    After the first day I had a hard time walking, I wondered how I would get to the second day not to mention how I might get through the work out.  Though very sore I made it through.  Physically my body was in a lot of pain, but I was surprised to experience my brain all but shut down.  Every day I literally had to take a nap and went to bed very early, and still my brain is having a hard time staying on task.  I probably owe it to myself to research this a bit but I am not going to.  My assumption is that my body is in need of so much more "whatever" than its used to that my brain isn't getting all that it is used to getting...So I sleep.  LOL

   Back to those "Crossfit people": I like the trainer/instructor but I feel like whenever someone from the "hard core" class comes in that they are laughing at those of us who are in the beginners class.  I am sure this isn't true all the time but I am safe to assume it is true most of the time.  There also tends to be a lot of bragging in whatever instruction is given.  An example of how to have the right form for a exercise becomes a, "hey (fill in a name here) how much weight do you do with this one."  

  So I am complaining a little bit here, but I am committed to 6 weeks of trying this Crossfit thing out.  And I must say despite fatigue and soreness I am seeing results and do foresee myself able to make a lot of progress physically.  I just have a hard time relating to people who's biggest priority in life is to have and maintain a ripped body!  I don't think that will ever be me, the priority part or the ripped body part.

 

The Great Gatsby

  Unlike what seems to be most everybody I know, I for some reason or another did not read this classic American novel in high school.  I don't remember it being assigned however my level of interest in reading at that time in my life may point to it being assigned and I simply didn't do it.  OK, I am not sharing this to educate you on my lack of interests in my education in high school I am writing to share a perspective not only of the book, or the new remake of the movie, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, and Toby Maguire, but also the original movie made in 1974 starring Robert Redford and Mia Farrow.  
  Until I heard that the remake was being done I hadn't realized how many Great Gatsby fans there were out there.  I seemed to hear from a lot of people that they were hesitant to see the remake because they were such fans of the book and the original film.  So naturally I did it all in order, I read the book, watched the original on netflix then headed off to the movie theater to catch the new film all in one week.

  First off I was a big fan of the book and enjoyed it immensely.  I can't call myself a knowledgeable person when it comes to literature and I know this book is taught in classrooms across the country, so I have no real intelligent insight to give, other than to say that F. Scott Fitzgerald seemed to leave holes in the story where the reader is to decide on their own what is really going on.  With those "holes" in mind I am sure that would draw many film makers to creatively fill the spaces and at the same time be daunting for writers to capture something in a dialogue that may or may not have been intended by the author.  Right there is the basic difference (that I see) between the original movie made in 1974 and the remake, that was just released.
  I do feel that the original was "by the book" in the way that it seemed to leave the same holes or spaces that the book did.  However the remake told a story of much more passion and conviction than the original.  I'm am certain that modern movie audiences are much different than they were in the 1970's, so it doesn't surprise me that there was more passion or flash to the current remake.  After watching the remake in the movie theaters I stated to my friends that I felt like it was closer to the story F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote than the 1974 movie version.  I may have to go back on what I shared with my friends.  I feel you got a fuller story in the remake, which is probably why I said that because as I read the Great Gatsby I wanted some of those holes filled and the movie makers filled them for me.  But those things weren't in the book.  So I conclude this to suggest that if you are a fan of the book in the purest sense of it, you may not like the remake currently showing in theaters.  If you are like me though and you need spaces to be filled or enjoy creative interpretation you will love the remake.

A Marked Year

  Today marks a year since my mother passed away.  This is the reason I have dropped off the face of social media and blogging existence.  But as I spent some time with God over this week I have been overtaken by so many lessons I have learned and the ways I have grown.
  Over the course of this year I have fought against the belief that the only purpose in my grief is to help others when they experience it, but it just made me feel used.  Suffering is so much more complex as it wrecks your soul and causes over complicated questions to wash over and doubts are magnified.  At the same moment with all of that going on there is also a freedom and understanding that cannot be explained.  Over this year I often arrogantly lived in this freedom, as I looked to God and said "do your best, I have nothing else you can take from me!"
  Those moments of understanding just how world and fleshly focused we all are is where the freedom came in.  There truly is not a better clarity in life than to understand how unimportant MOST the things we focus our daily lives on are.  I have always "known" this truth but to understand it and feel its truth in my soul changed me profoundly.  I loved my mom as I believe her to have been the only unconditional love I have ever received in my life, losing her caused me to realize the relationships that are important and the ones that are not important.  I have spent so much of my life trying to be liked  and accepted by others, I am free from worrying about what others think of me or if they want to be my friend or not.  Don't waste your time on people who don't give you any of their time in positive encouraging ways.
  This "freedom" greatly affected my professional life as well.  I spent many months this past year wrestling with God and finding Him at every point even though I wanted to be angry and had wondered if He had deserted me.  I had always known I was called to minister to others and bring His message of hope, peace, and joy.  When mom got sick those three things seemed to allude me, and the  ministry that I did felt like work and effort for the first time in years.  It wasn't until a couple of months ago that I finally caught the freedom in knowing that the ONLY hope, peace, and joy on this side of heaven is Jesus.  You may be thinking well duh, everyone knows He is the source of those things, but I ask you have you ever experienced Him as your ONLY source of hope, peace, or joy in your life?  And dare I say that if you haven't then you may not understand the freeing truth that it is.  Every thing that I "work" towards in ministry came into focus through the truth of all those who need the Gospel and His hope, peace, and joy.  Work became easier and more focused then ever, I no longer worried as much about what my co-workers thought about what I was doing or how I was doing it. I even told my boss at one point I knew I didn't work for her and with or without my position I would continue doing what God has called me to do.
  That is freedom, when you realize and re-motivate your whole life to focus on those truths.  The truth that He is peace, hope, and joy.  The truth that souls last into eternity and not the physical or material things of this world.  The truth that only in the dark is light truly seen.  So many people experience loss, and suffering.  Suffering causes big philosophical questions, and after my year of struggle (which is not over yet), I see how suffering puts each of us on a two-lane road where it can either drive us closer to God or cause us to step the other direction away from Him.  Thankfully on most two-lane roads there are usually only a few opportunities to turn around and head in the opposite direction, so as I may have moved forward slowly I never took the opportunity to turn around.  I can surely say I have not only seen and gotten to know God in a new way, but I have also experienced Him in a personal way that I never would have if I hadn't walked through this time of grief.  I miss my mom, the way she loved me, the way she and I had a sense of humor that no one else seemed to understand, and the way she listened to me on my good days and my bad days.  I am marked in multiple ways by the way this loss has changed and shaped me, I look forward to the day that I see this as God saw it and I pray that it honored Him and my mom!

Lessons for your 20's

As another year has wizzed by as I finally stand on the other side of my 20's.  I turned 30 on Sept. 9th.  I am not your typical 30 year old single female.  I actually looked forward to this day and rather than reflecting on the parts of life I have yet to experience I rejoice in the life that I have experienced.  That being said I want to dedicate this post to those of you who are in their 20's still.

My 20's held a lot of life and change, it was full of transitions, the good, the bad, and sometimes ugly parts of life are all there.  However there are several things that I wish I had done differently, and I'd like to share that wisdom here today.

-I wish that I had spent more time in the kitchen. Many women are born w/ this interest, I was not but I do wish that at 30 I was more comfortable in a kitchen and confident at a grocery store.

-I wish that when others spotted a gift or an ability in me, or something that needed correction that I would have respected them enough to seek it out and try.  I often and many times still think that I know ME best, but an outsiders perspective is so valuable to learning about yourself.

-I wish that in my early 20's that I would have heeded the advice of those older than me instead of thinking I knew how to do it best. Can't tell you how many times I ended up learning the hard way and having to redo or repent for my actions.

-I wish that I would have developed better organizational habits, both personally and professionally.  My theory was that I didn't need to "cook or clean" because someday I was gonna be married and have kids & not have a choice in the matter.  Well Im not married and don't have children but making my home livable is important at any stage of life, and necessary to help find balance between home life and work life.

-I wish that I would have been more picky about who I spent time with in my 20's.  Not every relationship is worth making life-long or worth sacrificing for.  Finding people who bring out the best in me has become the key ingredient to the relationships that mean the most.

-I wish that I would have spent more time investing in the generation behind me in healthier ways.  I spent a lot of time with them (& still do) but sought the place of friend in their lives instead of responsible mentor they could look up to and learn more about life from.

Now this list may make it seem like I regret much of my 20's but that is not the case.  These are simply the things that I wish my "youthful ignorance" would have allowed me to listen to those more experienced and wiser than me, or that I would have been more confident to try on my own.

Words = something or nothing

Once again I find myself in a place of having neglected my blog for months now.  The few of you who frequent (???) are probably no stranger to the fact that 4 months ago I lost my mom.  Settling back into life has been more than challenging.  Weeks at a time go by and when I look back its all a blur.  I have been told and encouraged that this is "normal," along with the sleepless nights and not caring much about anything.
  This year has been the most difficult of my life.  Words like Mom, cancer, hospital, home, or love get spoken and my mind goes to another world.  Part because of my grief and part because I am numb to the realities of what has happened. Its in those moments that I remember everything that losing my mom impacts and life becomes a blur again.  On the eve of another year of YFCamp I am compelled in this moment think about the students instead of myself. as hard as it is.
   So many young students have sets of words that make them numb, and life a blur.  We hear story after story of students who have no concept of what a "dad" is, so I can't imagine that word making sense to those who have trouble grasping what a "dad" is.  My co-workers and I have also observed that words like "camp" and "happy" don't connect with kids today.  Especially those who come from homes where "happy" isn't expressed or lived.  And we have seen how abstract the concept of "camp" is when we see the excitement on their faces as they watch a promo video, but see the blank expression that follows as they view it as something out of their reach and not possible for them.  The difficulties in my life this year have given me a way to relate and see how something as simple a word can elicit emotions of confusion, longing, and numbness.  When there is no possible way for me to connect or not be distracted by words like cancer, home or mom; how can I expect that there aren't trigger words for a student that make communication difficult.  The only way for anyone to be able to know that there are such words is for someone to be walking very close to me through this time.
     Walk close enough with a student to know those words that elicit great emotion or no emotion at all.

Death to Life

Death is something that all of us stand to face. Last week at the high school there was a student who committed suicide, I received the news of this after learning that my own mother was diagnosed with cancer. Needless to say last week had a somber tone to it, then as Saturday ended I got the news that the father-in-law of a good friend of mine had died unexpectedly. As all of these losses and illness come to me it truly is amazing the grace that God gives us to cope and encourage one another.

As I have spent time ministering to students and a few of my close friends it truly has been amazing the strength and peace God has given me. However in the midst of loss and grief I have found myself challenged and angered on how the gospel shared. My mother who is not a believer and has experienced her share of struggles and trials in this life, is now fighting cancer, and rather than my questions being "why God would you do this to her?" my question has become "how do I share hope to her when things seem hopeless?" I cannot convince my mom or students of the hope that I have. Its not fair to them to have them ride on the faith that I have, they need a faith and a hope of there own.

I have really been challenged to share the gospel in a different way. John 17:3 "And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent." Eternal life according to this verse is to know God, and Jesus who was sent to die for us. Nothing is said here about having a good life, or not experiencing trials, having money or comfort. Jesus is the joy in this journey called life! Holding onto Him and knowing the Father who sent Him is the gospel that grieving, and hurting people need. In light of all the grief and trials around me I am even more passionate about what I do and making sure that others understand & see the grief and hurt that surrounds us day in and day out! I pray that we are convicted and called to action when we feel as though we may not have the answers to ease someones pain, we do however have the answers for the Life that comes after death.

House Broken...finally

OK OK so many of you who know me well know that I really am not a "homemaker" by any stretch of the imagination. I have always listed excuses such as not having anyone to take care of in that sense, or that part of enjoying singleness was to not have to do domestic things like cooking and cleaning.
The last few weeks I have been settling myself into another "home." I don't know what is different about this apartment but for some reason I have unpacked boxes that have not been opened since I moved to Florida 5 years ago! Maybe its my age, maybe its my desire to make some place really feel like home, but over the last two weeks I have cooked more than I have in the past two years. It feels a little pathetic to admitt but its pretty close to the truth.
Suppose another possibility for this sudden interest in cooking has come from my lack of funds to eat out so much, either way something has certainly changed in my head to motivate me to become more domesticated. I have really enjoyed cooking and I have enjoyed eating my cooking! I haven't heard any complaints from my current roommate either, so maybe I'm not that bad of a cook :) It feels great to finally be growing up and doing what other women my age do-(so to speak).
Soo if you have any healthy, simple recipes for me to try let me know!! I am anxious to get a few more cooking utencils and also do a little baking!